I need you
by SugarMuffin08
Summary: "My beautiful" from Steve s POV. What if she isn t the only one who is scared? How can he make her see, how much he needs her?
1. I need you

Disclaimer: As usual, not mine, I just like to play with him.

After writing "My beautiful" I thought it would be only fair to let him explain things from his perspective. This is what came out.

Oh, and I love to read your thoughts. Thanks to everyone who reviewed "My beautiful".

And a special thanks to Shakespeare´s Lemonade! You´ve been a great help.

I never thought it would be this hard and painful. But then again, I never thought I´d find someone who I´d consider for "and they lived happily ever after". I sat in my car for about an hour now, not ready to leave and not ready to face her. Still there was nothing that I wanted more than hold her and feel her and just making myself believe this was real, she was real.

I can´t even begin to understand what she had to go through over the past 2 months. I know she got the message that I was MIA, probably dead, circumstances classified. God, this was the reason why it was so much easier when you´re on your own. Having a spouse or a girlfriend doesn´t work well when you´re in my kind of business. I´m Lt. Commander Steve McGarrett, Navy SEAL. And I´m sitting here, staring at my house, too damn afraid to face her.

When I left her, I prepared myself for not coming back. That´s what I always do, say goodbye like I won´t come back. This way it´s easier to deal with the consequences. Regret can kill you, make you careless and the moment you stop paying attention, when you let your guard down... Boom! It kills you. I never wanted to leave her but I had to, that´s my job. So I made sure that morning that I wouldn´t have to regret anything in case I was not able to come back. We never spoke about it, about this little spleen, but I know she knows it.

I can tell by the way she holds onto me, the way her heart is beating and the way she is looking at me, as if she wants to remember every little detail so she doesn´t forget. She´s a tough woman, she´s strong and independent and goddamn stubborn, but in those moments she´s just my wife. My love. And it kills me to see her trying so hard to not break down. She never does, she´s always strong for me but I know the moment the door closes behind me, she´s broken.

I wish I could have saved her from going through this experience. We´ve spoken about it countless times and I tried to prepare her for the very possible chance that one day I might not come back. First she refused to accept this, she wouldn´t even want to talk about it. But a few months down the road, she started to talk about it, about her fear of loosing me. We lay in bed, my arms securely wrapped around her after I had made love to her. I thought she was asleep but suddenly she started to talk and all I could do was listen. I knew that she had to get it out, had to voice it, and I´ll never forget her voice being thick with tears and pain, her body melting into mine.

I´m a Navy SEAL, a highly decorated officer, trained and ready to fulfil every mission my country expects me to go on. But that very moment left me helpless and scared. Being a SEAL doesn´t prepare you for your scared wife who is actually the strong one in the relationship. Dealing with dangerous situations or terrorists or bombs is a walk in the park compared to that. Because this is nothing you can train for, this is something that cuts you to the core, that wrenches your heart and that forces you to face your own fears.

My fear was never to get killed, because that is what you always have in mind when you go on a mission. You don´t think about it, but you know the possibility is there and you deal with it. My worst fear was and is, that I never get to see her again. That I never get to hold her again, tell her that I love her and show her how much she means to me. That I fail to keep my promise. In good and in bad days, through Sickness and Health.

When I met her I didn´t expect it to be more than just a fun thing. I was just transferred from Naval Intelligence to the SEALs and my first priority was to survive the training. And then I met her. Well, actually she bumbed into me, crashed her car into mine. I was furious, getting out of the car, ready to just yell at her. She apologized, her hands waving while she explained how she had a hard day and she was just so fucking tired and didn´t pay enough attention. I didn´t care, I think I stopped listening to her rant the moment I saw her. She was beautiful with dark curls that fell over her back and big, brown eyes. Her face was flawless and her lips full and red. She wore Jeans and a white shirt. No jewellery. Sneakers. I still remembered that moment vividly. When she looked up our eyes met for the first time and she stopped talking. It sounds like a fucking romantic movie, two strangers in a car accident, on a road, just staring at each other, but it was just like that.

Even though I told her that it was okay, insurance would cover it, she wanted to cook me dinner to apologize and I accepted. That night we talked until the sun dawned the next morning, like we had known each other for years. We dated for a few months, whenever I had time to see her. And slowly it got more and more intense. I was drawn to her, she was my best friend and she supported me, even though she hated my job.

I remember the moment I realized that I love her. The evening before we were having a fight – I don´t even remember what it was about - and it was loud and with a lot of yelling and all that. That´s how it always was with us, I guess you could say we enjoyed a good fight. As soon as the air was clean, we cooled down and when we got to bed, all was said and there were no hard feelings between us anymore. I woke up the next morning and she was lying next to me, facing me. She has never been more beautiful, her face relaxed in her sleep, her full lips slightly open. She looked like an angel and that view was burned into my memory forever. I knew that I would always remember her like this, and trust me, there were countless moments when this picture in my head was all that kept me going. She never knew, because I never told her, but she saved my life more than once without even knowing it.

The thought of seeing her face like this every morning, for the rest of my life, made me realize that I fell in love with her. It scared me to feel so deeply for someone, but I couldn´t deny the warmth that spread through me. She was the one. And while I still struggled with my feelings, she opened her eyes, looking at me and smiling this beautiful smile. And without thinking I said "I love you." Just like that. And she said "Took you long enough, sailor... I love you too." And then she kissed me and believe it or not, I was butter in her hands.

We got married in a small chapel, just her and me and a priest, during my leave. She had no family and mine... well I didn´t have much of a family either. We bought a house just a few miles off base and she made it our home. I wasn´t there to help her pick stuff, but whenever I returned, I came home. To her.

She never said a word but I know she hated being married to a SEAL. I was gone most of the time and there was no way for me to contact her or to tell her where I was going. I was gone for months and months and she was alone. But I came back to her, every single time. And she would welcome me at home, throwing herself in my arms and allowing me to kiss her. See, the first kiss after every mission was important for a reason. It would ground me. I needed to kiss her to be able to move from being a SEAL to being a husband again. She was my rock in the surf and without her, I wouldn´t have made it.

I probably should have told her all this. But I never had the courage. And I never knew how. I´m not good with words and I lack in social skills. That´s what she always teases me with, saying I´m 30 but I act like a grumpy old man who lived in the forest for all his life and only talks to chipmunks.

Sitting here, watching the house and seeing the dim light in it, feels strange and comforting at the same time. I know she´s there, just a few feet away from me. But I´m frozen, not able to move a single muscle. Apart from the fact that the shot wound on my right side is still bothering me and apart from me being sore all over.

Okay, I´ll admit it, I´m scared. See? The big, bad NavySEAL is scared shitless because of his wife. I don´t know what to expect. What if she has already moved on and forgot about me? What if she had already found someone to replace me? Someone who´s there to share every days life with her. What if she had abandoned me?

I rub my hand over my tired face. I´m still wearing my camouflage because I directly came home. That was the only thing that I could think off, coming home. I imagined this moment for weeks now, the moment I´d see her again. So why, dammit, wasn´t I able to get out of the car and just open the door? Maybe it was because she wasn´t the only one who was afraid to loose. What would I do if I lost her?

When I came back from the first deployment she was there at the harbour. She hadn´t seen me yet so I took my time and watched her. She wore a light summer dress and she looked nervous. I was nervous too, this was the first time that someone welcomed me home. I didn´t realize how much I needed her to be there until I saw her. Suddenly it didn´t matter that this has been a tough mission and that I had lost 2 men of my unit. It didn´t matter that I felt dirty, guilty and exhausted. It didn´t matter that even though I accomplished the mission, I´d probably would face an investigation.

All that mattered was her.

When she finally saw me, a large smile appeared on her face and I felt relieved. Relieved that I didn´t make it up in my head, but that everything that had happened between us was real. She slowly walked towards me and then she stood in front of me, close enough so I could smell her. "Welcome home, sailor." she said. And I just dropped my bag, wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. It felt so good to finally hold her again and feel her. "I missed you." I told her and I didn´t recognize my own voice. It was rough and full of emotions. "I know. I missed you too."

I knew that my embrace was probably too tight, but I couldn´t help myself. She lifted her face towards me, her arms held me and when our lips finally met for the first time after 10 months, everything fell back into place. The thoughts that were running through my head were silenced. I was at ease, feeling her was all that mattered. She was warm, welcoming and so innocent that I just wanted to consume her, to completely absorb her.

I needed her. She was the only thing in my life that really was worth all the shit I had been through. She completed me, she saved me.

'Damn McGarrett, get your shit together and go to your wife!' I cursed myself. She must have been through hell, being informed I was probably dead. It killed me knowing that I´ve put her through so much. It would have been the smartest thing to have sex and then just walk away. I should have never allowed her to sneak into my heart and make herself a place in my life. I should have protected her, so that she wouldn´t have to face what she had to face just now. But I wasn´t smart, I wasn´t brave when it came to her. I was a selfish bastard, because I couldn´t let her go. I couldn´t live without her strength and her humor and her ability to see me for who I really am.

Suddenly I saw a movement inside the house and my senses were on alert. She was there! Just mere feet away from me. Without thinking I nearly jumped out of the car and stood in front of the door. I lifted my hand to knock, forgetting about the keys in my pocket, when the door opened. And there she was, my wife. The light from inside made me see that her eyes were red from crying, her hair was a mess and she had lost weight, so that her jeans were just fitting loose. But to me she had never been more beautiful. I saw the shock, knowing her initial reaction would be to scream so I said:

"Hey beautiful."


	2. MIA

**Thank you very much for every review and alert! I had to re-upload the chapter. Let me know what you think of this final chapter.**

**And a special thanks to the wonderful Michelle Heath, my beta for this chapter. You´re the best, my dear! Thank you!**

* * *

><p>Damn, my right side was burning and the pain was nearly unbearable. I couldn't breathe so I desperately tried to force air into my lungs. My vision was blurred and my head was throbbing like someone was constantly hitting it with a hammer. My heart was racing; too fast to give my body time to relax and I felt adrenaline shoot through my system like a drug.<p>

I knew very well that I had to calm down and slow my heart rate. Panicking would not help me in the least and I could not allow that to happen. I had no idea where I was or what had happened, but that information wasn't high on my priority list at the moment. I'm a SEAL and I knew what I had to do; calm down, take slow, deep breaths, in and out.

My sore, aching muscles were protesting when I tried to move but I ignored the pain. Actually, I focused on the pain; pain was good. Learning to mentally manage pain had been part of my SEAL training and I knew how to use the pain to my advantage. I've been in worse situations in the past, but it was still a shock to me every time. I guess that's what happens when you're confronted with your own mortality.

When I felt sure that I could risk it, I slowly moved my legs and was relieved to feel pain in them. Rolling over on my uninjured side, I slowly moved my hands and felt the cool, dry earth and small stones beneath my fingers. Closing my eyes, I tried to wrap my mind around the task ahead of me. As my breathing and heart rate returned to more normal rates, I used my hands to push myself upright ever so slowly. Pain instantly shot through me and I groaned, but kept pushing gritting my teeth as I did so.

Fuck, that hurt! I forced myself to continue breathing slowly and steadily, and that went a long way in helping me get myself together so I could finally sit upright. I opened my eyes blinking a few times to clear my vision and focus. Wherever I was, it was pitch black. Either that or my head injury had caused me to be blinded. For a second, I felt panic creeping up on me, but then my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I realized that I was in a room of some kind. Well, it wasn't much more than bare, stone walls and, I assumed some kind of roof because I didn't feel any type of air movement like a breeze blowing through the space. The "floor" was nothing but dirt, cold, but dry.

I needed to remember what had happened; how I'd been injured and how I got here. Pressing a hand to my right side, I winced at the intense pain that shot through my whole body. I felt wetness on my hand and knew it was blood from the gunshot wound and that it was still bleeding. Turning my head, I swallowed hard as my stomach protested the sudden movement and the throbbing in my head increased. Damn, I probably had a concussion, too. I was going to have to take things very slowly.

I listened intently but there was only silence around me. I was alone and this knowledge brought me a small measure of relief. I knew that, at the moment, I wasn't in any position to defend myself so being alone was much better than the alternative. I reached into my pocket, grabbed the lighter, and lit it so I could take a look around the room. The sudden flare of light hurt my eyes and my head felt like it was going to burst, so I clenched my eyes tightly shut. I worked hard to fight the nausea that was threatening to overtake me.

My first impression of the "room" was correct; bare, stone walls, no windows, a barely there roof. I saw my M4A1 rifle lying near me and, damn, but that was a good moment. A SEAL without a weapon, in enemy territory, and injured? Not a good idea. I knew how to fight, was trained in one-on-one combat and had deadly skills, but, right now, I was as helpless as a baby.

I reached out, grabbed by M4A1, and pulled it close; thankful to feel the cold metal beneath my fingers. This was my constant; I relied on this weapon, my life depended on this weapon. Using the rifle, I slowly pushed myself back, inch by inch, until my back was pressed against one of the cold, stone walls. Suddenly, I felt cold and started to shiver; most likely from the trauma of being shot and blood loss. I needed to try and stay warm to avoid going into shock.

I lit the lighter again looking around the room to see if my backpack was there, as well. It was, but it was too far away for me to reach without moving. I cursed, allowing myself to use all those words my mom would have made me regret and them some more that she wouldn't even know. I leaned my head back for a moment, closed my eyes, and braced myself for my task. When I thought I could make it, I started to slowly slide down the wall, roll onto my stomach, forcing back the pain in my side, and slowly rolled towards my backpack. It seemed to take me an eternity before I felt it under my fingers, but the relief I felt washing over me was very real. By now, I was drenched in sweat; it stung my eyes and my lungs were burning.

I couldn't give in; not yet. I made my way back to the wall as that seemed to be the best place for me strategically. From there, I could watch the door without being seen right away; in case I wasn't as alone as I thought. My M4A1 within reach, I opened my backpack and withdrew a small flashlight that would, at least, allow me to see a little something. Then I took out the first aid kit and the rescue blanket to help me retain body heat. My strength was almost completely drained after I dressed the wound in my side as best I could. The bullet had broken two ribs and one of them may have punctured my lung; explaining why it was so hard for me to breathe. The gunshot would wasn't a through and through; the bullet was still in my body. I wrapped myself in the blanket after drinking some bottled water and taking some antibiotics from the first aid kit to try and avoid an infection. Dehydration was slowly getting to me and I gulped down the water even though my stomach protested.

Finally, I allowed myself to relax somewhat, switched off the flashlight, closed my eyes, and did a quick assessment of my current situation.

I was in a room of some kind. I was alone. I had been shot and had a concussion. The bullet had broken two of my ribs; I probably had a punctured lung and was having a difficult time breathing. Other than that, I was okay.

I still couldn't remember what had happened, but I still had my M4A1, plenty of ammo, my sidearm, and my K-Bar knife. I also had water and some MREs so I wouldn't starve for a while. I needed to find my unit, but had no idea where to begin looking for them.

I felt the cold biting into my skin now despite the blanket, and I could feel my heartbeat slowing. My head was pounding and I had a hard time focusing, but I forced myself to stay awake. Falling asleep would get me killed; either someone would sneak up on me or I'd bleed to death from the gunshot wound. I was an easy target right now. My body was shutting down and I desperately tried to stay awake. But no matter how hard I tried, the events of the past few hours were taking their toll on me and I felt myself drift into unconsciousness. It was so very tempting to just give in; allow the darkness to consume me and stop the pain, stop every feeling.

"Hey sailor." The voice was sweet and warm, female and it sounded vaguely familiar. I couldn't open my eyes but something inside of me reached out to that voice as if it was my only connection to life.

"You need to keep hanging in there", the voice told me and I heard the smile in it. I knew that voice; I just needed to remember where I'd heard it before.

"Giving up is not an option, sailor. Remember your promise." My promise? I never make promises when I'm not sure I can keep them. And then I remembered. I had made a promise. To my wife. I promised her that I would come back to her; come back home. That was the only time I had promised something I might not be able to deliver.

My wife. Dear God, that was her voice! I knew that it was just my subconscious mind playing games with me, but at that moment I didn't care.

"Yes, Baby, I'm here. I'm with you", she said and I felt pure relief rushing through my body. She was with me. I wasn't alone in this, and, if I died . . .

"Whoa, don't even think about going down that road, SEAL! You're not going to die, you hear me?" Her voice was hard now, not allowing any other option. She wouldn't let me give up, she'd drag me through this.

"I know you're hurting and you feel like you just want to give in and slip into darkness, but you have to fight this. Keep fighting, SEAL." I groaned. I so badly wanted to reach for her and feel her in my arms again. I needed to see her smile, assuring me that she was with me.

I remembered promising her that I would get back home safely. I knew I couldn't break my vow to her. For me, she was the reason my life was worth living. She was my sole reason for breathing.

"I know, Baby. You're strong and you're gonna make it through this. You promised to come back to me. You promised me you wouldn't leave me alone. You said you love me. I'm taking you up on this now, Steve. I need you to fight and to come back to me." Her voice was soft and gentle, full of love and encouragement.

I moaned again; pain slowly creeping into my unconscious mind, pulling me back to reality,

"That's it, Baby, hang in there. Listen to me, find your way back to me. Don't give up! I'm waiting for you, I need you. Don't leave me behind." Her voice was barely a whisper now.

How could I ever leave her? She was my everything, and I knew that I had to keep fighting; for her. I had to survive; I had to get out of this shithole. Damn, I had a reason to live! The pain was increasing any my breath was ragged. I felt my body fighting against it, trying to push as much adrenaline through my system as possible to keep me functioning. My stomach was clenching and I felt hunger.

"Oh, so you miss my famous meat loaf, don't you, Honey?", she giggled. I frowned. Meat loaf? God, it was terrible but I never had the heart to tell her. The first time she cooked for me was on our very first date. I would have never told her how terrible it was because the way she smiled at me melted my heart.

"Really, now! Terrible, hmm? Trust me, compared to your MREs my meat loaf is Haute Cuisine. How about you cook me dinner instead?" She tried to sound offended but I heard the laughter in her voice. God, I loved her so much. I loved her voice that was always a bit husky and just a tad too low. Her laughter was full of life and I thought it was sexy as hell. And I loved it when she breathlessly moaned my name.

"You're a big softie, Steve", she whispered and, for a second, I thought I felt her lips on my forehead.

I'm not a softie! Well . . . maybe I am, when it came to her. She was my weakness, my soft spot. She knew me better than anyone else in this world. She was my best friend, my buddy. She never allowed me to be distant with her; always demanding everything from me.

"Because I love you, Steve. I'm your wife. I will never let you down", she promised me and I could feel her love. It warmed me, more than the blanket ever could. Her love filled my very being; making me stronger and showing me that there was a reason for everything in life.

"I can't wait until you come back home, sailor. Until I can wrap my arms around you again and just feel you. I miss you so much, every minute of my day. And even at night, in my dreams. I need you, Steve. I need you to get back to me. To not give up. I need you to keep your promise." She urged me on and I felt a sharp pain in my head when I tried to rouse myself to full consciousness.

"Easy," she said and again it felt liked she touched me. It was so vivid, so real.

"I won't let you down, Steve. I'm yours, forever."

I felt pain, but also so much love and determination inside me. I would find a way back to her; I knew I just had to. Giving up was not an option. The thought of her and of seeing her again was the reason I fought against unconsciousness and against the overwhelming desire to give in to the darkness.

"They'll find you and save you, Baby." You are the one that saved me. You are here with me, talking me through this, giving me hope. You won't let me die. You just won't give up.

And then it was like she was really there. I could see her face; reminding me of the first time I told her I loved her. She was so innocent and sweet in her sleep; her lips slightly parted and her long eye lashes leaving shadows on her cheeks. Her hair was a mess, the curls spread all over the pillow and her head resting on one of her hands. Her breathing was soft and steady and I felt my heart burst with love. I remember I had a goofy smile on my face and then I saw her open eyes; a gentle smile appearing on her lips. Our eyes locked and I just couldn't hide my feelings any longer.

"I love you." And it felt so good and so right to say those three words.

"Took you long enough, sailor. . . I love you, too." And then she kissed me and I finally pulled her close; holding her and wanting to absorb her completely. She was my angel; my guiding light.

"Come back to me, Steve. I love you. I need you', her words echoed in my heart, mimicking my own feelings. I wanted to touch her and feel her so badly, but I could only open my eyes.

It was dawn, I could tell by the dim light coming from under the wooden door, and I was alone again. But I know that she had been there with me. Pain roared through my body. Then, I heard it, the faint sound of voices, quietly whispering, footsteps nearly inaudible, heavy. I pulled my M4A1 closer; aiming at the door and ignoring my poor protesting body.

A dark form, slipped through the door, crouching down and scanning the area. I think I actually moaned in relief because the form froze, turned to me, and then rushed to my side yelling orders.

"This is SEAL Team 3, Lt. Matthews. Relax, Lt. Cmdr. McGarrett, we've got you. We'll get you out of this hell. The chopper will be here soon." Strong hands examined me quickly and helped me up; holding me steady until the pain slowly faded to a dull throb.

"Good to see you, SEAL, we though we had lost you. We'll get you out of here and into the hospital. Your name is already on a ticket for the next flight home." When we came outside, I saw other SEALs, searching the surrounding territory and signaling that it was all clear. I drew in a deep breath; it felt so damned good.

I didn't remember much about the flight back to the base in the middle of this Godforsaken desert, but I remember watching the sun come up; the start of a new day, a new chance.

The guy who had carried me out of the small room and onto the chopper looked at me, a small smile on his face. I was eternally grateful and tried to answer his smile. I knew he understood.

"You'll be home soon, Lt. Cmdr. McGarrett", he said after starting an I.V. and I smiled.

I'll be home, Baby. I will keep my promise and will come back to you, my beautiful. I'll always come back to you!


End file.
